My Angels

My angels….(people who aided in saving my life…..literally!)

Mary J. Blige

Mary J. LITERALLY saved my life.  Well, let me rephrase that….God put Mary in my life to save it.  I was really at a low battling my depression and going through so much and I just wanted to end it all.  So, one day after dropping off my daughter at school, I came home and went into the kitchen and got a knife.  I turned on the TV so that Beezie would not hear me in case I cried out a little bit.  He was upstairs asleep. So, I’m sitting at my computer desk crying and praying that God forgive me for what I was about to do.  With eyes closed, and tears flowing, I had the knife up to my wrists….the sound of the TV caught my attention.  Mary J’s “No More Drama” was on.  It was the first time I had ever heard it.   I heard it behind me.  Now, I know that it was just a video, but for that moment, it was what I needed.  In the video, she felt EXACTLY like I did at that specific moment and it did something to me.  I watched the video with my knife still at my wrists, but at the end of it, I put the knife down and went online and downloaded the song.  I sat there crying and learning the song.  I learned it in a very short time and sat there singing it and crying literally until I was hoarse.  For that moment, God knew exactly what I needed and he gave me her.  I knew I wasn’t alone and to this day, she is truly my God sent angel!!!  She saved my life!

Tamela

OH MY GOD!!!!  This girl was not known before and to many, she probably still is not known.  But Tamela was a girl on the TV show “Intervention”.  She is a cutter.  In case you don’t know what that is, is it when people cut themselves.  She was addicted to it.  This girl is my twin.  If you watched the episode she was on, you now know very deep intimate parts of me that I never let anyone see.  She gave my depression a voice.  I mean from beginning to end, she was telling my life story step by step.  I’ve never known someone could mirror my life to the T.  The only difference between me and her is that she cut….I ate.  Other than that, we were identical.  You have to watch it to see the depth of my depression at the lowest I was.  She showed me that I was not alone.  That alone gave me hope that I could beat my depression.

Mo’Nique

Well what can I say, Mo’Nique simply made me begin to love myself.  She is the reason I have all the confidence that I have now.  She is the reason I look at my self in the mirror and love what I see….no matter the size.  And, what I’m loving now is how she’s so into being healthy now.  She said, you can be big, but just be healthy.  I love that!!!  And, I love the fact that she gave me the courage to love me!  She gave me, me!

Starting Over

My goodness, what can I say about these 3?  They were my lifeline.  The show was not on for that long, but it was long enough to really change my life.  They used to give assignments to the ladies in the house.  I did these assignments too.  It was amazing how much I’ve learned from these people.  They taught me to begin to live fearlessly.  I had so much fear….fear of failure, fear of succeeding, fear of finding the real me, fear of abandonment, I just simply lived in fear.  They gave me the tools I needed to begin to change that.  Now, I am proud to say, I’m pretty much fearless.  I know it’s going to be hard.  I know I’m going to come across some obstacles, I know it’s crazy for me to change…..but I don’t care.  I no longer exist…..I’m living!  And, that feels damn good.  And, to me you are not living until you are putting yourself first!!!!!  And, because of these three…..I now am!  Now, NBC needs to realize how much this show meant to some of us and bring it back on!!!!!!!!!!

Oprah Winfrey

She helped me realize that I have to believe that I am “enough”!  And, she also made me realize that until I work on my insides, the outsides will never come off and stay off.  She is the reason that I call my pounds “tears”.  Each extra pound is a hurt that has not been resolved.  So, with each hurt is at least one tear.  She is such an inspiration.

India Arie

Her song “Just for Today” made me stop and begin to believe that any and everything I want out of life is possible and to take everything day by day.  She also made me come to grips with being comfortable with just being me and to embrace the mystery of not knowing what the future may hold.

Yolanda Adams

Her one song “The Battle Is Not Yours” made me stop and think instantly.  I began to think that maybe if I actually stop for a minute and give everything to God, I will realize that I don’t have to walk every step alone and finally realize that this life and all that comes with it is not my battle is not mine….it’s the Lord’s.

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil was the one that made me begin to look at myself and stop blaming everyone for every wrong thing in my life.  He made me begin to take responsibility in every choice I have ever made!

T.D. Jakes

Bishop Jakes gives me a lot of spiritual guidance.  I don’t get a chance to get to church as much as I would like and he helps me on a regular basis to stay in touch with God and keep me in check when I sometimes backslide.