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Be Scared. Then do it anyway!

 

Sometimes ya just gotta look fear in the face and say screw it….then do it anyway!

 

It’s no secret that doing this blog scared the pee outta me.  I mean…seriously….I’ve been “working on it” for over a year.  I found every reason to not launch it.  Basically, I wanted to keep hiding and just not say anything.

 

I was scared of what people would say.  Not everyone, but people that knew about my previous blog?  Yeah, them.  I thought everyone would say, “Here we go again.  She’s never done it before and she’s not going to do it now.”

 

Once I stopped giving a shit about what others would think, the self doubt came in full force.

 

What if I’m sharing too much?  What if no one pays attention?  What if no one cares?  What if what I want to do…..doesn’t work?  What if it doesn’t help anyone?  What if I’m just wasting my time?

 

My mind was going a mile a minute.

 

After a major tear and snot filled meltdown, I said, “Screw it!   Bump what they say!  I’m scared as hell, but I’m just gonna to do it anyway!”

 

Within that week, I was just about ready to launch.

 

That’s when the epic freak out stormed in.  I was so scared, I couldn’t sleep.

 

I didn’t sleep for like 38 hours.  Baby, I was so sleepy that I was delirious.  It was so bad  I swore I started hearing colors.  I finally couldn’t think straight and had to force myself.  Three Tylenol PMs later, I passed out.

 

When I woke up 15 hours later, I knew I had to just do it.  I had to launch it.  It was taking too much of my effort.  It wasn’t even ready, but I launched it.

 

Truth be told, it’s still not done.  But, it’s up.  And because it’s up, it’s making me face my fears and just keep going.

 

I was blown away at the response.  I only showed it to about 50 people.  Not even my close people knew.  The ones that saw it went crazy!

 

It was an outpouring of love and support.  It blew me away.  Maybe I was buggin’ out.  Maybe I was putting more into it than I should have.

 

Hearing them made me say, “Mik, chill out and just launch the damn thing!  You’re coming from a good place and that’s enough!”

 

So, I did it.  I launched it and told my people.  I posted it to my personal page and my fanpage.  Even more love and support came.  But, I was still scared.

 

I knew how much of myself I was going to expose and I’m always a very private person.  I share a lot, but the stuff that cuts to the core….that stuff has always been a “between me and God” thing.  Nobody knows that stuff……No.  Body!

 

That’s the stuff I wanted to heal the most, so that’s the stuff I knew I was going to be sharing.

 

Am I still scared?  Hell yeah!  Am I doing it anyway?  Yep!

 

Why?  Because I know a lot of women feel like I used to.  I know way too many women feel like they aren’t enough.  And, I’ll scream to the top of my lungs that they are worthy…..just the way you are.

 

I know I’m just as worthy at 575 pounds as I will be at 175!  I didn’t know that before.  I do now and in order for me to do my part in showing other women that….I have no choice but to share the dark parts.

 

Strangely enough, the more I put myself out there, the less scared I’m becoming.  Who’da thunk it?

 

Do you have something you’re not doing?  Why?  Is it just because you’re scared?  What would you do if you weren’t scared?  What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

 

Be scared….that’s ok.  But you’ve gotta be scared…and do it anyway!

 

Are you like me?  Are you hiding?  What are you hiding from?

 

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What’s different this time?

 

If I had to list all of the diets I’ve tried, we’d both be here for the next ten years..just to list them.

 

It’s crazy how many it’s been.   To give you some idea of a few of ’em, I’ve tried….let’s see I’ve tried

 

  • Weight Watchers
  • Jenny Craig
  • Nutrisystem
  • the juice cleanse
  • the potato cleanse
  • the cabbage soup diet
  • the watermelon diet
  • high carb
  • low carb
  • no carb
  • paleo
  • South Beach
  • Atkins
  • Zone
  • volumetrics

 

It even got so bad that I started binging and purging for short time.  Nope, this one wasn’t a diet, it was an eating disorder.  I told you, I’ve tried every thing.

 

I’ve even seriously considered weight loss surgery.  So much so, I was filming to be on the My 600-lb Life TV show.  That’s a story by itself.  Don’t worry, as soon as my contract is over, oh I’m spilling all the beans about that whole thing. *eyeroll*

 

Let’s just say, I wasn’t on the show….for good reason.  But, it was a huge blessing to film for it.  I’ll get into that then too.

 

Don’t cut me.  *giggle*  I HAAAAAAAATE when people start to tell me a story and then say they’ll tell me later.  I’d be ready to cut some folks.  *evil eye*   It’s not my fault though.  The contract won’t let me talk about it yet…so blame them.  *sweet innocent puppy dog eyes*

 

Ok, before I get too far along that tangent.

 

I’m the first one to admit that every single diet I’ve tried worked.  Yep, you read me right.  That’s what I said.  They.  All.  Worked.

 

The problem was, when I stopped the diet and started eating normally again, I found all of the weight I’d lost…and then some.

 

I’d lose 20 pounds and then gain 50 back.  I mean the pounds didn’t even have the common decency to stay away..and when they came back, they had the nerve to bring their funky lil friends with ’em!

 

It was so defeating.  Go on a diet.  Lose weight.  Go off the diet.  Gain weight.  Gain some more weight.  Feel defeated.  Repeat.

 

That was my life for at least the last 15 years.  It got me no where.

 

That leads me to now.  Now, it’s different.  Now, I’m not dieting.

 

My only concern now is really just eating real food, moving a little more everyday, and dealing with the bullshit that got me to 575 pounds in the first place.

 

To me, that’s the key. If I can truly heal everything that made me overeat to begin with, weight loss will be a side effect.  It will become effortless.

 

It will probably take longer to lose the weight, but I’m ok with that.

 

I don’t wanna just lose weight.  I wanna heal.

 

I don’t wanna be skinny.  I want to be healthy.

 

That’s my goal.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know I can do anything I want.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know I can create the life I want.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know life doesn’t just happen.  I create it.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know it’s about being able to handle my emotions…and not eating them.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know that food is fuel…and not therapy!  That’s what’s different.

 

And for me, that’s mind blowing.

 

How can things be different for you?