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Be Scared. Then do it anyway!

 

Sometimes ya just gotta look fear in the face and say screw it….then do it anyway!

 

It’s no secret that doing this blog scared the pee outta me.  I mean…seriously….I’ve been “working on it” for over a year.  I found every reason to not launch it.  Basically, I wanted to keep hiding and just not say anything.

 

I was scared of what people would say.  Not everyone, but people that knew about my previous blog?  Yeah, them.  I thought everyone would say, “Here we go again.  She’s never done it before and she’s not going to do it now.”

 

Once I stopped giving a shit about what others would think, the self doubt came in full force.

 

What if I’m sharing too much?  What if no one pays attention?  What if no one cares?  What if what I want to do…..doesn’t work?  What if it doesn’t help anyone?  What if I’m just wasting my time?

 

My mind was going a mile a minute.

 

After a major tear and snot filled meltdown, I said, “Screw it!   Bump what they say!  I’m scared as hell, but I’m just gonna to do it anyway!”

 

Within that week, I was just about ready to launch.

 

That’s when the epic freak out stormed in.  I was so scared, I couldn’t sleep.

 

I didn’t sleep for like 38 hours.  Baby, I was so sleepy that I was delirious.  It was so bad  I swore I started hearing colors.  I finally couldn’t think straight and had to force myself.  Three Tylenol PMs later, I passed out.

 

When I woke up 15 hours later, I knew I had to just do it.  I had to launch it.  It was taking too much of my effort.  It wasn’t even ready, but I launched it.

 

Truth be told, it’s still not done.  But, it’s up.  And because it’s up, it’s making me face my fears and just keep going.

 

I was blown away at the response.  I only showed it to about 50 people.  Not even my close people knew.  The ones that saw it went crazy!

 

It was an outpouring of love and support.  It blew me away.  Maybe I was buggin’ out.  Maybe I was putting more into it than I should have.

 

Hearing them made me say, “Mik, chill out and just launch the damn thing!  You’re coming from a good place and that’s enough!”

 

So, I did it.  I launched it and told my people.  I posted it to my personal page and my fanpage.  Even more love and support came.  But, I was still scared.

 

I knew how much of myself I was going to expose and I’m always a very private person.  I share a lot, but the stuff that cuts to the core….that stuff has always been a “between me and God” thing.  Nobody knows that stuff……No.  Body!

 

That’s the stuff I wanted to heal the most, so that’s the stuff I knew I was going to be sharing.

 

Am I still scared?  Hell yeah!  Am I doing it anyway?  Yep!

 

Why?  Because I know a lot of women feel like I used to.  I know way too many women feel like they aren’t enough.  And, I’ll scream to the top of my lungs that they are worthy…..just the way you are.

 

I know I’m just as worthy at 575 pounds as I will be at 175!  I didn’t know that before.  I do now and in order for me to do my part in showing other women that….I have no choice but to share the dark parts.

 

Strangely enough, the more I put myself out there, the less scared I’m becoming.  Who’da thunk it?

 

Do you have something you’re not doing?  Why?  Is it just because you’re scared?  What would you do if you weren’t scared?  What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

 

Be scared….that’s ok.  But you’ve gotta be scared…and do it anyway!

 

Are you like me?  Are you hiding?  What are you hiding from?

 

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What’s different this time?

 

If I had to list all of the diets I’ve tried, we’d both be here for the next ten years..just to list them.

 

It’s crazy how many it’s been.   To give you some idea of a few of ’em, I’ve tried….let’s see I’ve tried

 

  • Weight Watchers
  • Jenny Craig
  • Nutrisystem
  • the juice cleanse
  • the potato cleanse
  • the cabbage soup diet
  • the watermelon diet
  • high carb
  • low carb
  • no carb
  • paleo
  • South Beach
  • Atkins
  • Zone
  • volumetrics

 

It even got so bad that I started binging and purging for short time.  Nope, this one wasn’t a diet, it was an eating disorder.  I told you, I’ve tried every thing.

 

I’ve even seriously considered weight loss surgery.  So much so, I was filming to be on the My 600-lb Life TV show.  That’s a story by itself.  Don’t worry, as soon as my contract is over, oh I’m spilling all the beans about that whole thing. *eyeroll*

 

Let’s just say, I wasn’t on the show….for good reason.  But, it was a huge blessing to film for it.  I’ll get into that then too.

 

Don’t cut me.  *giggle*  I HAAAAAAAATE when people start to tell me a story and then say they’ll tell me later.  I’d be ready to cut some folks.  *evil eye*   It’s not my fault though.  The contract won’t let me talk about it yet…so blame them.  *sweet innocent puppy dog eyes*

 

Ok, before I get too far along that tangent.

 

I’m the first one to admit that every single diet I’ve tried worked.  Yep, you read me right.  That’s what I said.  They.  All.  Worked.

 

The problem was, when I stopped the diet and started eating normally again, I found all of the weight I’d lost…and then some.

 

I’d lose 20 pounds and then gain 50 back.  I mean the pounds didn’t even have the common decency to stay away..and when they came back, they had the nerve to bring their funky lil friends with ’em!

 

It was so defeating.  Go on a diet.  Lose weight.  Go off the diet.  Gain weight.  Gain some more weight.  Feel defeated.  Repeat.

 

That was my life for at least the last 15 years.  It got me no where.

 

That leads me to now.  Now, it’s different.  Now, I’m not dieting.

 

My only concern now is really just eating real food, moving a little more everyday, and dealing with the bullshit that got me to 575 pounds in the first place.

 

To me, that’s the key. If I can truly heal everything that made me overeat to begin with, weight loss will be a side effect.  It will become effortless.

 

It will probably take longer to lose the weight, but I’m ok with that.

 

I don’t wanna just lose weight.  I wanna heal.

 

I don’t wanna be skinny.  I want to be healthy.

 

That’s my goal.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know I can do anything I want.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know I can create the life I want.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know life doesn’t just happen.  I create it.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know it’s about being able to handle my emotions…and not eating them.  That’s what’s different.

 

Now, I know that food is fuel…and not therapy!  That’s what’s different.

 

And for me, that’s mind blowing.

 

How can things be different for you?

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100+ Reasons To Lose Weight

 
It never fails.  You start to eat healthy or working out and someone asks you why do you want to lose weight?
 
My normal answer is ummmmm ’cause I wanna live!  Duh!
 
After I stopped being a smart ass, I sat down and really thought about it.
 
I said to myself, I said, “Self?”  Myself said, “Huh?”  I said, “Why do you want to lose weight…for real, for real?”
 
So, that made me start writing down what my real reasons were. Then I thought, heeeey….it might help you too.
 
I mean, I know I want to be healthy, but what’s going to keep me going day to day?
 
You know I’m a talker, so I came up with a LOT! Some people would come up with about 10-25. Me? Nope!
 
What do you think? Did I forget anything?
 

  1. To have more energy.
  2. To not have people move to the side when I walk past them in the corridor.
  3. To be able to run.
  4. To buy normal size clothes off the rack.
  5. To step foot in ‘normal’ clothing stores.
  6. To wear jeans.
  7. To wear smaller lingerie.
  8. To fit comfortably into a plane seat.
  9. To be able to wear calf length boots (the big legs yanno?) 
  10. To be “fine-ER”.
  11. To feel better about myself and my body.
  12. To have sex standing up!
  13. So I won’t always think people are talking about me.
  14. To fit into booths without getting that “squished” feeling.
  15. To not be out of breath after or during “normal” activities.
  16. To not have to worry about my pants wear thin between my thighs.
  17. No more elastic waistbands!
  18. To be able to cross my arms sitting down without having them rest on my belly.
  19. To be able to cross my legs.
  20. To want my full-body picture taken.
  21. To be able to say that I did it!
  22. To live a longer, healthier life.
  23. To be able to wrap a normal-sized towel around myself.
  24. To be able to wear cuter, more stylish store bought clothes.
  25. So when I see someone from my past that I had a crush on I can rub it in their face.
  26. I don’t want to be the “big girl”.
  27. So I can prove all the people that said I can’t do it wrong.
  28. Victoria’s Secret..nuff said!
  29. So I can wear the skinny high heels instead of the wider ones.
  30. To be able to wear a bathing suit without shame or a T-shirt over it.
  31. So I won’t feel so tired all of the time.
  32. Thigh-high boots! (Just a wee bit of the freak in me.)
  33. To be able to enjoy sex more! (its good now, but the thought of standing on my head too?)
  34. So I won’t always have to be worrying about if you could see my “rolls”.
  35. No more double chin!
  36. Tie both my shoes without having to take a break between them with both feet on the floor.
  37. See my ‘kitty cat’ without having to look in the mirror.
  38. Lie flat on my back without feeling that my boobies are trying to suffocate me.
  39. To learn to swim.
  40. To swim to the bottom of a swimming pool (I am so buoyant now I can’t get to the bottom).
  41. Buy a size that doesn’t have any X’s in it.
  42. To sit down in the tub without touching the side.
  43. Not have to use the handicapped bathroom in a store because I don’t have enough room in the regular stalls.
  44. Not have to grease my ass to fit into the seats in a movie theater.
  45. Wear seat belts in the back seat of a car.
  46. Ride a bicycle again.
  47. Go bra-less in public (I am not holding my breath on this one).
  48. Walking…just being able to walk long distances  with ease.
  49. Jogging…(it’s hard to believe I will ever jog!)
  50. Sex!….nuff said.
  51. Having control over me! Enjoying food.
  52. Climbing stairs.
  53. Realizing that I am worth the effort it takes.
  54. Knowing that ‘screwing up’ one day, one week…even a year….will not make or break me.
  55. Seeing my doctor’s face every time I see him!
  56. Realizing that I can get back on program just as quickly as I came off.
  57. Every aspect of my health improving.
  58. Realizing I never really grew up….and that I never want to!
  59. People I know walking right past me because they don’t recognize me. (I can’t wait for this one!)
  60. Knowing that the people I care most about have only benefited from me putting myself first.
  61. Learning how to forgive myself for not being perfect.
  62. Knowing how good I feel when I treat my body right.
  63. Watching people’s faces when I tell them how much weight I’ve lost.
  64. For people that ask if they can ‘touch me’ to feel inspired to lose weight.
  65. Learning that the small things make such a difference.
  66. Going on rides at the amusement park..and fitting.
  67. Being aware that it’s the quality of my life that matters most.
  68. Not being so afraid of getting the diabetes that runs in my family.
  69. To get a full hug!
  70. Knowing that I am doing the best that I can do for myself.
  71. Fitting through turnstiles.
  72. People actually offering me food.
  73. Being able to weight myself on a regular scale.
  74. Wearing something and actually liking how I look in it!
  75. Being able to shop in the ‘normal’ section of a store.
  76. Having a lap!
  77. Not being afraid of breaking the chair by sitting in it.
  78. Being able to sit comfortably.
  79. Finding bones I never knew I had!
  80. Finding muscles I never knew I had!
  81. Sleeping better and waking up more refreshed.
  82. Setting a good example for my loved ones and being able to teach them the tools for good health.
  83. Knowing nothing tastes as good as I feel.
  84. Knowing how proud my grandmother would have been of me for taking control.
  85. Having the benefit of ‘being there’ and not judging others because of their size!
  86. The attention I get from men! Yup, I love it!
  87. Being empowered enough to realize that I can do anything I set my mind to!
  88. Being able to help and inspire other people to help themselves as I continue help myself.
  89. My mate being able to pick carry me to the bed. (Could you imagine?)
  90. Having leftovers!
  91. Wearing sexy-er lingerie.
  92. My knees being so much happier!
  93. My ankles being so much happier!
  94. My hips being so much happier!
  95. Being cold all the time…instead of sweating all of the time like I do.
  96. To have my feet quit going to sleep when I sit for a long time.
  97. The woman who said…. “WOW…you mean you used to really be that BIG?”
  98. No more broken toilet seats.
  99. Having my “before” picture tattooed on my forehead.
  100. The track marks on my treadmill!
  101. Being able to jump up and into an 18″ window after locking myself out of my house!
  102. To not just exist through life…..but to LIVE!
  103. Someone actually telling me they want to look like me.
  104. To feel proud and in control of my life!! (This is the most important one!)

Whew! That was a lot huh? I wonder how many more I’ll think of later.

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Yeah baby!!! It’s my birthday!!!


 
My birthday was two days ago.
 
Look at the picture, does it look like I was having fun?  ‘Cause I did!  Ignore the little munchkins behind me.  They were just being nosey.
 
My daughter, the baby grands, and my nephew weren’t able to be there.  That really made me sad.
 
But, all in all….I really enjoyed my birthday.
 
At 12:00 exactly, my friend my Mississippi called.  I talked to him for a good while.
 
Then, all hell broke loose at around 8am.  EVERYbody called, texted, sent Facebook birthday wishes and Instagram DMs blew ALL the way up!  If you missed it, don’t worry, I’ll be accepting all gifts and wishes all year!
 
Y’all really know how to make a girl feel good.  My cheeks hurt from smiling so much!
 
I didn’t eat all day.  I did that on purpose because I knew we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant and I was going to kill it!  I mean, we all know calories don’t count on your birthday, right?  Shhhh, let’s just roll with that.  Don’t burst my bubble.
 
So we get to the restaurant and get seated.  We’re laughing and joking as we normally do.  We’re talking about my sister’s upcoming wedding.
 
We’re filling up on guacamole, chips, and salsa.  Then the food comes out.  Baaaaaby, when I tell you, there is nothing like Texas Fajitas!  Um, um, um!!  Lawd hammercy!!  If you’ve never had steak, shrimp, and chicken on your fajitas, what are you doing with your life?!! I mean just look at ’em!
 

 
Now you know I couldn’t eat it without being topped with mushrooms and cheese.  *drooling*  It’s like I can hear the sizzling all over again.  I mean come on!!!!!  Have you ever?!!  *heart eyes*
 
Goodness!  Just looking at this picture made me want some more right now!  Don’t go back there right now.  Don’t order them again.  Turn away Mikki.  Turn away!!!  Click off Mik!  Dammit woman, click off dammit!!!!!
 
*deep breath*
 
Ok, I’m better now.
 
Now, what was I saying?  Oh yeah.
 
So we eat, right?  Needless to say that the chips, guac, and salsa basically filled us up.  So, we get to-go containers and now we’re ready for the cake.
 
Let me tell you, if you’ve never had the Strawberry Peach Sensation cake from Publix, *wiping drool* something is wrong with you!
 
I mean…..come on!!  Look at it!!
 
Image result for strawberry peach sensation publix
 
Ours had the almonds on the side because my sister is allergic to nuts, so this is a photo from the Publix website, but baaaaby…that cake is so good!  It’s a really light cake too.  It’s not dense at all. It has whipped cream frosting, so that’s not heavy either.  I’m not getting paid for this, but if you’re ever in Publix, make sure you get one.  It’s my favorite of all the ones they make.
 
Alright, I bet you’re tired of me talking about the food. Well, hell, I’m a foodie, what do you expect?  *sticking tongue out*
 
Ok, so I leave the restaurant and my family right, well, I’m still friends with my ex that just so happens to be my favorite relationship.  On the way home we started talking on the phone.  The next thing I know, it’s 4 and a half hours later and we’re still talking. I’m like, “Boy! Get off’a my phone!” It was too funny. He’s a sweetie pie.  We didn’t really talk about anything particular, just old times, you know….laughing and talking smack to each other.  Of all my past relationships, he really was the best.
 
Anyway, that was my birthday in a nutshell.  It wan’t anything spectacular to the average person, but for me….it was everything!
 
I know you’re tired of reading about a bunch of rambling, so I’m gonna stop now. I just had to share my birthday with ya.
 
I hope your May 24th was a good as mine! Now…..

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Let’s Get It Started!


 
You ready? That’s right baby!  I’m back!
 
Did ya miss me?
 
*crickets*
 
No?  Welp, that’s alright.  I missed you and that’s all that matters!  *big cheesy grin*
 
I’ve been gone for way too long and I’m finally back full force.  If you’re looking for the old blog, weeeeell, that’s not here anymore.
 
I’m not in the same head space as I was then and I just wanted to start a new, so I’m starting over completely!
 
New look, new content, new attitude, new drive, new motivation, new mind shifts, just new everything!
 
I’ve never been this excited in my life and when I tell you that I am so tickled about it all…I’m about to pee on myself?  You’d better go and get me a depends dammit!
 
I’ve been hiding for far too long, so I just had to get this up now. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be updating at least Tuedays and Fridays.  I’ve got so much in store for my life and I’m gonna take you along with me. I can’t wait to show you what I’ve learned and how much I’ve changed.
 
If you’re just finding me, you might not know me yet, but believe me…soon enough…you will!  Yep yep!
 
Anyway, this first week will be pretty much just setting up around here and things will really get to the meat of it all next week.  I’m all anxious and stuff.  *wigglin toes*
 
Get ready!!  You’re going to take a look into my mind and that’s a scary thing.  Be afraid….be very afraid.  *gigglin*