When you get gut punched…by life.

I call bullshit!

Ok wait, well…maybe if it’s just lemons…like you forgot to pay a bill and now you have to pay a late fee….ok….add some sugar and water and make some lemonade.

But what do you do when life gut punches you?

I mean REEEEEEEALLY knocks you out?

What do you do?

As of Valentine’s day, 2018 has claimed the lives of 6 of my friends.  You read that right….SIX in 6 weeks.

I lost 4 in January and 2 in February.

I really cared about the other 5 and it really hurt me.

But, that 6th one?

That knocked me flat on my ass.

I was at my mother’s house the day before Valentine’s Day.

My friend was calling from Mississippi.

I picked up the phone all excited and stuff.  But, I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

All I heard was “I see you!”

I thought he was here in Atlanta…..oh baby!  I got excited!!

Then I told him I couldn’t really hear him.  His mom got on the phone.

It wasn’t “I see you”, it was I.C.U. (intensive care unit).

He was in the hospital.

His mother explained that he was in the hospital and what was going on with him.

He was really sick and there was nothing they could do.

They were sending him home on hospice.

That was the first gut punch.

I don’t know why, but all of a sudden…. I really needed to see him.   I needed to lay my eyes on him.

In my head, I instantly started making plans to make it happen.

I came home and called him back.  But, he couldn’t talk right then.

I knew I couldn’t get there quick enough for my own psyche, so I asked his sister if we could Skype whenever they could.

I just really needed to see him.

She said we could the next day and we got off the phone.

He called back later that night.

I could hear him clear as day.  It was like nothing was wrong.  He apologized for scaring me earlier and said he was just scared.

I fussed at him for apologizing.  Come on man, don’t be sorry for letting me know something is wrong!

He had to get off the phone, but I was happy.  I just knew everything was going to be alright.

The next day the phone rang, I saw his number.  It had to be his sister, ready to Skype.

It was his sister, but she was calling to tell me we wouldn’t be able to Skype because he passed a few hours ago.

I lost it.

I had just talked to him the night before.  He was going to be ok.

How can you be normal, then in the hospital, then going home on hospice, then talk to me later on when everything is fine, and then be gone….all in less than 24 hours?!!!

How is that even possible?  My brain couldn’t handle it.

I was destroyed.  Just like that…..I was miserable.

I was lost.  What was I supposed to do now?

I’ve known him for 14 years.  He meant so much to me.

He couldn’t be gone.  Not that fast.  Not him.  God wouldn’t do that.

What was I supposed to do now?

If you really got to know me, you’d know how private I am.

Even thought I talk a LOT about my life, I really only talk about the stuff I’ve worked through already.

The dark stuff…that’s between me and God….and two people.

There are 2 people that knew everything.  I mean EVERY thing about me.

There is nothing I’ve held back from these two people.  NO-THING!

All my dark times, my depressed times, my thoughts and attempts at suicide, how TRULY dark it got for me….they knew.

The only reason they knew is because those are the only two people that I’ve ever FULLY trusted with everything.

I KNEW they wouldn’t judge me for it.

I KNEW they would love me in spite of it.

I KNEW I could be a COMPLETE mess with them and they would do their best to support me through it.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I KNEW that.  So, I shared the ugly parts with them.

And, I was right.  They loved me through it.

Robert was one of those two.  And, now he’s gone.

After he passed, I isolated myself.  I didn’t want to see anyone.

I didn’t even leave my house.

I knew that if I wasn’t careful, this could throw me right back into my depression and I knew he would hate that if he was still here.

I had to fight….if not for me, for him.  I had to fight.

So, I got in the bed, balled up in the fetal position and went in my cocoon.

I cried, literally, for days….over a week to be exact.  The ugly cry came on more than I want to admit.

I felt the pain.  And, it was crushing!  But, I actually…..deliberately……FELT it.

I did eat stuff that was not on my plan, but I didn’t eat the pain away.  I didn’t try to act like it wasn’t there either.

I.  Felt.  It!

And, it sucked!

It sucked ass!!!

But, I did it.  I let it out.

That was the first time I’ve ever really done that.

To be real, it’s the first time I’ve ever had to do it since I’ve been healing myself.

But, I did it!

Ass sucking and all!

Now, after talking to his other sister about it, feeling it, knowing it’s not going to change….no matter how much I want it to….I can start to heal.

I know, it will get easier, but I don’t expect the pain to stop.

Hell, my grandmother has been gone for over 20 years and I still cry thinking of her.

But, I know it will get easier.  But, this meantime sucks!!!

I know all the tears will turn into laughter thinking about all the craziness that was us.

I can rest on that.

I can rest on knowing he’s not hurting and will NEVER hurt again.

I can rest on knowing that he’s with his father and brother now.

I can rest on knowing that my life is better because of him.

I can rest on knowing he was TRULY a blessing to my life.

THAT’S what I’ll hold on to.

I could hold on to never being able to talk to him again….and be miserable.

Or, I could hold on to cherishing the time I had him in my life, be grateful…..and be great!

…like he always told me I could be.

So, life gut punched the hell out of me, but that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll make that choice.

I’ll choose to honor his time in my life by living up to who I was in his mind.

Gut punched…tears…hysterically crying…..and all…..I’ll make him proud!

I promise!!

Mr. Robert Lewis White, Jr……rest well, you beautiful soul.  Your job….in my life…was well done!

You had a hand in me becoming a better person.

I love you! ….always have….always will!