Tying To Matter Out Loud

I’ve been quiet.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say—but because I’ve been stuck in this loop of what’s the point?

I keep thinking, What if I post and it don’t resonate?

And let me be real—this ain’t no “woe is me,” tell me I’m dope, hand me a compliment type of post. I’m not looking for applause. I’m not begging anybody to validate me.

What I’m scared of… is putting something real out there and it not reaching the people who need it the most. The ones like me. The ones who doubt themselves. The ones who feel invisible and unheard. I want it to land. I want it to mean something.

And when I think it might not… I shut down.

Because if it don’t connect with them…then why even post it?

That fear runs deep. It’s not surface-level. It’s not about engagement or algorithms. It’s about that part of me that’s lived my whole life questioning…..do I even matter at all?

I’m not saying I’m not loved.

I’m not saying people don’t care. 

I know people care.

But when I say I didn’t matter, I mean… I didn’t feel like my existence held weight.  I felt like if I was there, cool. If I wasn’t, also cool.

Not in a peaceful, free way….but in a damn, I’m that replaceable? kind of way.

It wasn’t about being liked or followed. It was about feeling like I was background noise in everybody’s life—even my own.

I was only ever centered when I was in pain, when I needed help, or when someone needed something from me.

But just me… happy, stable, whole?  That version of me felt like she could vanish and the world wouldn’t skip a beat.

That kind of invisibility? It gets into your bones.
You stop speaking up.
You stop asking for things.
You stop expecting to be chosen.
You stop dreaming big.
You start shrinking, just to stay safe.
And before you even realize it—you’re alive, but not really here.

I didn’t believe I mattered at all.  Like….. ever.  Not once in my life did I really believe that. And that’s not an exaggeration.

Even with people who said they loved me….there was always this voice inside that asked, Do they really love me?

It felt like being tolerated…..maintained. Checked in on when I was struggling, but never really seen just for existing.

But with Bat and Robert… it was different.  Around them, I never had to wonder.  I didn’t have to perform.  I didn’t have to shrink.  I didn’t have to question.

I mattered.   100%!

And that kind of love? It doesn’t disappear just ‘cause they’re gone.

But the silence since they left….it hits different.  Not because I’m unloved. But because I miss being someone’s everything.  Someone’s first thought, not just a back-pocket prayer.

Now I’m sitting with a different kind of truth.

I’m not waiting for someone to show up and make me matter anymore.

Now?  I’m starting to matter to ME!  And, I’d say right at about 20%.

I know that doesn’t sound like much….but that 20% is everything.  Because that 20% used to be zero.  That 20% is what’s keeping me from going ghost completely.  That 20% is the only reason you’re even reading this.

I’m not trying to be perfect. I’m not trying to be some motivational warrior every day.  I just want to matter to me…more than I don’t. Even if I can just get to 60%, I’d take that. That would be enough to breathe a little easier.

I’m done waiting on other people to show me I matter. That used to be the goal…to finally matter to somebody.  Now? I want to be so solid in knowing I matter to me that mattering to anyone else is just a bonus.

That’s the mission I’m starting.

Because if I matter to me, the weight loss will start to matter more.  The mobility will start to matter more.  The blog will matter more.  My life will start to matter more.

I’m trying to learn how to take interest in me the way I always wanted others to.  I want to ask myself the questions nobody else ever did…to show up for myself like I’ve shown up for everybody else…to matter……loudly, fully, and unapologetically…..to me.

I’ve been mourning a version of me that never got to exist because she always felt like she didn’t matter.  But I finally want to show her she does…she always has.

That’s all this is….not a performance,,,not a plea.

Just me… being real.

Still scared….still showing up anyway.  I don’t want to be quiet any more….even when my voice shakes….even it only lands with one person….even if 80% of me still isn’t too sure….today, this 20% showed up….and she ain’t done yet!

Until nex time….